I began yesterday to say something else-it had to do with accomplishments and my lack of! I have pondered this problem about myself for all the years of my life since release from the military! And, today I have on my mind what it is I feel has pushed me to return to this blog.

I had been advised by my psychiatrist to stay away from it-but my feelings are that of abandoning a lot of work! I also was beginning to carry a lot of other problems-the weight of the VA determination on my disability claim-the constant defending of my case-all the time knowing how the attacks in barracks D had eaten away at a normal life, a sober life, a life free of  the demons of remembering. All of that took a toll.

I went off to the sea for three months with hope to try to relive what I might have had as an 18-year-old sailor-before everything went askew.

When I returned-I found myself in a hypnotic trance-able to function but limited by having the world eliminated for three months straight…understand, there was no world other than the eighteen crewmen on the ship. 72 days on the oceans-only 11 hours on actual turf!

I had thought that I would finish my book while at sea but became mesmerized by the constant attraction of the white caps of the waves-and I had fairly much concluded this blog should come to an end. The ‘break in’ and theft of all my ‘Yahoo email’ stuff had maybe pushed that idea off the edge to be certain, but in my heart is the thought of my lack of accomplishement…after all, the blog may be about me-but it is not only just about me…it is about any person who is effected by sexual trauma, military sexual trauma-or not! I only know it from my perspective but can say that I am likely accurate on many survivors feelings!

I finally got off my seat after the recent comments by the congress guy who so full of authority spoke about a topic he obviously has no clue about!  It is that kind of ignorance that pushed me back a few years ago to begin writing this blog….a DVA representative taking the initial report on my rape listened to my details as I told him of the attacks-his comment was “gee, you never think homosexuals have a reason to rape each other”-his comments made me sick, and the comments of Todd Akin are just as ignorant and evidence of how UN-educated our society and our leaders are about sexual trauma! Worse off is the case of former Idaho Senator Larry Craig! Remember him? Arrested in a Minnesota airport mens room and pled guilty for soliciting sex. This man actually has the nerve to bill our government for his defense fund….an excerpt from one news article says:

In its complaint, the FEC contends the three-term U.S. senator’s campaign account, Craig for U.S. Senate, paid at least $139,952 to the law firm Sutherland, Asbill and Brennan in Washington, D.C., and $77,032 to Kelly & Jacobson in Minnesota for legal services related to his guilty plea to disorderly conduct….HE WANTS US TO PAY FOR IT!

You see…. many of you who are sexual trauma survivors-are afraid of people like this! I AM! Worse is-to think they are ‘leaders’ and representative of our nation, but they do not know everything!

Sexual trauma is not understood! The confusion of sex being in the line of thought-somehow makes it less harmful sounding, as it is known to the normal, sexual intimacy is to a comfortable and pleasurable moment in two people’s life. Being beat up or having a knife of a gun held to your head-or stuck in your body, and having your body ripped open along with your soul…is not a pleasure-I promise! Todd Akin used a phrase that determined a rape would have to be legitimate (and all this has to do with abortion-I am not going there) and for the life of me….what is a legitimate rape?

I prove this by the statements of the DVA jerk…gee, you never think that homosexuals need to rape each other! He is only a small fleck of the ignorant…it grows-as I recall my first open discussion about my rape(s) was several years ago in the office of a local Baptist preacher, telling him of my assaults he replied that “God has forgiven you!” almost as if that should completely wash away the filth of the memory! The associate pastor of the same church admitted to me that men my age revert to homosexuality as a part of our sinful nature! The idiot has no idea! His head-and their heads-are stuck in a sand-hole….I have not been sexually active in many years-realizing my own intimate contact ability had been broken along with everything else in barracks D….and yet, with out conviction, these men relate rape as a sexual activity-and a sin on the victims part as much as it would be on the attackers. These are church leaders, supporters of nit wits like Rep.Todd Akin!

For those of you who do not know…barracks D is where my assaults took place!

Around my home are many unfinished projects! Some only just begun, some just at the slim brink of complete, but not quite done! It has always bothered me that it is this way! I was not able to finish high school, and then the military…and once my DD214 was in hand-the truth in code to notify potential employers of my conduct…jobs were never available for me-until I learned to drive long haul trucks! What jobs were available my personality and fear of others would see to it the job was temporary, it is a fact-my work history was sporadic and spotty, I’ve had more jobs than industry! I believe the unfinished projects are a part of the tail wind of PTSD, it seems normal to me to keep things unfinished…but-

This unfinished project-the hope to facilitate a change in the VA and DVA system of representing MST veterans-must continue! I am afraid that I do not know how to procede…many of the contacts I had made over the past few years are deleted when my YAHOO account was wrecked-and robbed…and as I mention over and over…my connection to the VA medical system is over-a clause in my disability statement, no more VA health care for me!

I want to welcome-even beg for-guest writers,survivors of MST-PTSD, and supporters…this is your story too-and your justice, so please write as you feel free to do so!

My hope is to try to understand who really in Washington DC is interested enough to hear us!

PEACE…and-if you are willing to contribute, post your story in the comments section and specify if you would want to post it on the blog as a headline-post! I will copy and paste it for others to read! Thank You! and-may the heavens bless you!

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11 Responses to “return”

  1. Di Says:

    Yes please keep your blog alive. People will find it when they need to 🙂 And you will find the next direction when you need to 🙂

  2. C Says:

    I’m glad you’re back.

  3. enemyinthewire Says:

    Hi, Jay!

    I wanted to post this link to your blog:

    This is Brigid and I – I know that sometimes in our fight we feel as though we aren’t really getting anywhere. We feel that all of our efforts are for nothing. I particularly wanted to be sure that you see this…becuse you started us on this road – and I am forever grateful!



  4. William Devoto Says:

    Thank you for writing this as a bi sexual / male rape victim , stoner , yes three things you pretty much get cucified for being in such an ignorant state , moved here from California and need to go back , from someone who’s been assaulted in such a nature twice I appreciate this article and hope this issue gets some equality , I was too scared to go to police as I hate/scared of them up here for how they profile me , also note I have almost gotten 3 misdemeanors up here spanning from outrageous marijuana / traffic laws I’m scared I’ll end up in prison in this state for my sexual orientation and life style , not to mention claim I am under the influence due to my shaking from severe aniexty / panic disorder / PTSD , from these assaults that occurred , anyway not trying to talk your ear off , thank you for this !

    • jayherron Says:

      my friend, although l no longer write on the blog l do continue to read and-try-to respond to every comment; you-my friend-are important-and honestly-brave to have written the words you speak here; l hear your worry, and understand your pain.
      Our pain-of constant PTSD reminding us is misery enough with out having to worry of being judged by what is seen of us / you – and not by what is known of you.
      Foremost-rape is not a social experience; it is a serious damaging crime-that is not always taken seriously because the ignorant think ‘sex’ into sexual assault.
      Marijuana is slowly bending the thoughts of the non-believers, in my opinion-marijuana IS the medicine to assist our inner pain, and-relieve us.
      I am void of knowing where you live-so cannot speak of the issues you bring up….if you are able to relocate-go to a ‘legal’ state such as Colorado; my recent visit there was delightful for the legal marijuana, but also-meeting a group of people who care more about a persons integrity-and not the worry of who you chose to date-or love.
      In my understanding-it is a Federal law-you can not be judged by your orientation; but l do understand law is on paper and persons are more cruel and do not consider others, in many cases.

      I did not understand….are you a veteran? and were you assaulted in military? and-are you seeking disability?
      These concerns you have re:the shakes and the fear of being judged because you use marijuana?….these are actually on your side-in definition of the signs of PTSD.

      If this is helpful-you may email me personally…and l can communicate and relate more clearly.

  5. Anono Says:

    Its been almost two years since the attack, by a “friend” in my own car. He used drugs that impaired my senses and raped me. I need medical exam for std/hiv testing, and to address what i beleive to be PTSD symptoms. 31yrs old and with the police almost seemingly involved after the attack i have locked my self in my house leaving so rarely between depression and anxiety ive gained 20-30lbs.
    Male on male Rape is awful, has to be on par w male on female incidents. If i cant get the help i seek from my community, iowA will have one less disabled american to feed. I cant live like this. I barely orgasim w a woman, only solo masterbation to pure memoriez b4 the unwelcomed advance on my soul. I have communicated w other ‘service’ men about the “sport rape” that occurs on bases everywhere. This form of hazing or mistreatment is more than likely responsible a number of friendly fire base shootings. To turn a blind eye is costing lives. Be it murder of the assailants, suicide, or the ever popular out with a bang, murder-suicide.

    • jayherron Says:

      Anono ; here I am at age 65, awake at 0300; the first things in my waking mind are the events in 69-70 that changed my course of life forever, to this day.
      I am not used to it-yet. PTSD.
      My assaults are now 46 years old. I want to be able to tell you something different-something better, but – I can’t….you know this-it won’t go away.
      You are able to do two things.
      One, go do like you said….oh yeah-I know the thought-revenge on anyone; no one cared about me-why should I care about them?
      If you weren’t in Iowa…if you lived near the shore of an ocean…if you could walk out to the edge of the sands to touch the waters and could focus your eyes on the sky and sea’s alone-and witnessed the void of the purity of it all, you will see the folly of your idea’s.
      There-at this focus point you could become ‘you’ and see it is only you-and-the Creator of all of this surrounding us, confusion included, that really matter.
      You matter, man!
      No-this isn’t about the ‘lives matter’ biz….this is about ‘you’, your name at the moment being ‘anono’, yet your strength will begin by use of who you really are, what you are named at birth.
      But-I know Iowa, and in some parts are prairies that can substitute for an ocean-what is necessary is having a void-and quiet-and only the spirit of the earth to speak to you-and your heart.
      You-can tell me nothing new,
      Everything you hate inside of your life because of being raped-and by a friend-I have hated too in my own life.
      I have wanted to die-almost every day since that beginning in the detention barrack 46 years ago….even an hour ago-in the bathroom-where memories are really triggered….I feel the emotion of wanting it over.
      The worse part about being a survivor is being alone….but-you are not alone.
      There are many of us, and many of us are men.
      I began some sense of healing when I began writing this log some years back…to just tell this ‘truth’ about my life-to others-helped put it in perspective for myself by learning-I am not alone; YOU-are not alone.
      It still sucks….but-there is some sense of peace; you-deserve this peace.
      In Washington Iowa at the VA is a woman who can help you-she is a survivor….a MST survivor….a very special person.
      She writes the blog ‘Enemy in the Wire’ ; link to the blog is somewhere on my page….I pray you will contact her!! I DO pray!
      After having a heart attack at age 46 I went into a ‘vision’ and saw the real ‘light’….churches aren’t aware of the light I saw, but-in fact…my vision involved the plight of our injuries….men surviving the unspeakable ….it took 15 years before my eyes were finally awakened to speak out (after the heart attack).
      I can tell you-there is a God.

      My brother….listen to me-you can take today and change your forever!
      I thought of despair an hour ago-and come in here and sit in front of the computer….and-YOU give me reason to push on through the day….because-YOU are hurting too.
      I am here if you need me.

    • jayherron Says:

    • jayherron Says:

      Anono….I already have reached out to our friend in Iowa; she has given me her phone number-to pass on to you-and assures me that if you decided to reach out to her for help….the clinic is in Coralville; my brother-I can tell you with great confidence-you will do good for yourself to follow my advice and trust this person!
      I hope-to hear from you…because man-we care about you!

    • jayherron Says:

      for you Anono….contact Barbara Duder -survivor- and a wonderful safe person to talk with at the VA clinic that I mentioned (she tells me the clinic is in a small comfortable building and not at the VA)….her number-

      319 461 4518

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