Akin, Murdouk and those with no clue

Untitled by jayfherron
Untitled, a photo by jayfherron on Flickr.

I dropped in to see an old pal of mine-and we were just having a talk about anything in mind, just a pop in for a “how do you do and how’s it been” kind of a thing. My friend happens to bring up seeing a fellow who lives in our community-saying he had not seen this person in a while, and it was good to see him. I had seen the guy too-and realized it had been a long while, this is a small community-so it is typical to keep in mind faces if not names of most every longtime resident. I did not feel so good about seeing him, the guy makes me wretch, in 1980’s he was convicted for putting his sick trauma on a young girl-a member of his household-and he is required to register forever as a predator. I remember the incident when he was arrested-I was dating a relative of his at the time and recall how devastated the family was. This is a small rural town, things aren’t always kept secret.
The day after the conversation bothered me-sitting there trying to act cheerful that “gee whiz…you saw ol’ so n so”? and really thought…who cares? So, for the moment, I just mulled through it.
Yesterday I thought to send the link to the FDLE files of our perp’s record thinking maybe my friend had been away from the area working when the fervor of this perp’s actions hit the newspaper. I guess now I was wrong. My pal emails me back with one sentence that said “shit Jay…that was 25 years ago”!!
Man, it does not go away that easy!!
I was and still am disgusted. How ignorant so many are! It is right up there in the proof level indicator of the degree of stupidity – people who have no idea what it is like physically assaulted in the area of what some try to define as ‘sexual’ ought to keep their mouths shut!
I have ALWAYS had trouble with the attachment of the word ‘sexual’ to the word ‘assault’, as if the connection could serve to soften the blow. The reality is-this trauma is deeply damaging and has no softness for the victim, no loving touches, no gentle moment, no good feeling, no moment of love…nothing about it rings intimate-it all creates a monster of a memory, and often makes you wish you were dead!
It is like these polotickshions like Todd Akin or the next in line, Mourdock…making fools of themselves trying to establish a firm standing with God and yet saying the most sick statements about something they seriously have no business speaking about what so ever! I can them that even after 40 years of passing the date when my attacks happened that it still frightens me to enter a public building-or a restroom-and that it still wakes up with me each day and makes me remember that time in my life where I was damaged so much…any time I am in the bathroom to do my daily needs-it does NOT escape me! And I cannot even begin to imagine what I would feel if I was a woman and the results of becoming pregnant…I could not begin to even describe what I would feel, and yet I too am a survivor and have my own painful memory. It is not something soft in our hearts-it is more like stone!
The man in our town was not convicted of molestation-his conviction includes damages…I’m not going any further than that, but knowing what it was his cousin described was this elementary school aged child went to her school-directly across the street from her house-and told a very prominent local teacher that “her daddy was trying to make baby’s on her”, her only ability to describe what was happening.
You had all better believe this, this is a crime of serious long lasting effects on the victim. It may have been 25 years ago in a time frame, but that time frame for the victim is everlasting-forever embedded in your very soul.
I remember when I was told to file a VA claim for PTSD disability. It seemed easy for a moment to be able to trust, perhaps. But at the DVA office I tell the officer there my story about being raped-a man by men- and he responds saying as matter of fact it surprised him that homosexuals had a need to rape each other. He later made light jokes about my being raped. The day my rapes happened 42 years ago-the man I reported to made a chuckle in his throat and told me to “get used to it!”. When?
25 years is a time-but for the little girl written about here it has been a life-time Even her story-I have no idea how to say I’d feel, but it is not too hard at all to understand that it is certain she has many millions of haunting memories of it all.
It troubles me how so many have so little understanding the depth of the trauma the crime of battery on a person such as the battery placed on us-and sickens me that for some particular reason polotickshions can take such an affirming stand that they are in direct communication with God enough to make such ignorant statements as Akin and Murdouk
You have to understand-the damages are not only mental damages. There are physical damages from having something forced on you and inside of you-along with being beaten up, or along with having a person from within your life with that should have everlasting trust, all of these things plus more, shattered by the moment of absolute panic that raged from that minute on.
I had another friend-actually around 25 years ago. This guy would get up at 0300 in the morning to help you if you needed it. He helped me many times keeping my old cars running. We were friends! And one day he contacts me at my job and asks me if I could write him a letter-to a judge-saying how a good of a guy he was. I asked why-and he said he could not explain it right then, but later-right now he was in a jam. So-I wrote a letter.
A few months go by and this guy’s wife calls me up and tells me he got sentenced to 8 years in prison-and wanted me to visit (and could I please bring cigarettes) and it was at that visit my friend tells me how one thing led to another with his step daughter, an 8 year old, and it was coming out of his mouth so matter of fact as if it was kind of a slight inconvenient thing that he was there. He sort of seemed to act like this 8 year old girl molested him, this big huge monster ; fat gross symbol of shit….his last words to me on that sole visit “Jay, this place is hell-don’t ever come here”! And my last words to him as I exited were “You deserve to bed fed your food from the concrete floor”…in worse words then that! I ran into his wife about 2 years ago and she told me he had cancer-my first knowledge of him from those years ago-and I remember thinking “he is a cancer”, and wondered why she thought I would feel sorry fr him.
I’m sorry, it is just that it troubles me so much how any person can take this type of personal violence-and think lightly of it. I’m sick and tired of polotickshions making statements they believe are God based-when they need to read the knowledge given in the reading of Isaiah chapter 40…there is no searching Gods understanding boys! So – shut up about something you have no connection with!

2 Responses to “Akin, Murdouk and those with no clue”

  1. Joan Says:

    It is ironic that you posted this last night. In fact, my husband and I argued about this tonight. It’s too long of a story to put in the comment – but he said, “When are you going to let it go?” He was reacting to what he perceives as a new threat because of actions Brigid and I have taken – and when pressured he admitted, “I’m just afraid – afraid that they can make you disappear.”

    It never goes away, does it? There is no such thing as “letting it go.” Just like you – for me…it was only yesterday. It feels like yesterday – even though it was 20 years ago and 10 years ago. This next week is my “anniversary.” It has been 9 years since they took my uniform and set me out on the street. It is a hard week.

    I smell him…just like he was standing near me. My shoulder aches with the beating…just like it was yesterday. The taunts and the comments and the evil still stands close – just out of my line of vision – like shadow people out of the corner of my eye.

    I have also grown tired of the political rhetoric. I was caught by something today about making sure that abortion remains legal for rape and incest victims. The more they talked about the rape and incest victims – the more that I realized that nothing was said about the abusers. They spoke like, “Rape is inevitable – the best thing to do is make sure a woman can take care of the pregnancy that results.” No one ever said – maybe someone should stop people from raping!! You could tell that none of them have lived what we have lived through – none of them live with the memories we live with. They don’t feel what we feel.

    I love Isaiah 40 – God’s ways are not our ways. I will never understand why this has happened to you, to me, to Brigid…or to all of the others. I will never understand why this happens to innocent children – God’s innocent children! I only know that to stand by and do nothing – evil wins. It was evil that makes this happen and I believe that God weeps.

    You have made a choice, Jay – and I thank God everyday for your choice. You have decided to love in the face of hate – to do good in the face of wickedness – to share hope in the face of the filth of evil men.

    This brings us to John 15:13 – Greater love has no man than this, to lay down his life for a friend.

    Thank you for being my friend and my brother…I am honored to be your sister.



  2. Myst Says:

    Dittos on both the post and comment. It never does go away. And those that speak of it as a ‘gift from God’… well… I have some ugly thoughts that go with it. God never intended for us to hurt each other these ways. It is up to each individual as to how to handle the trauma and the Govt should stay the F out of it.

    The wounds are mental, physical, emotional and spiritual. And.. they are mostly invisible.

    This past week, one of the ladies in my MST group was talking to a VA voc rehab person, and was asking her about her meds. So of course, she is on something for depression… and the person says “Well, you don’t look depressed.” WTF???? What does it look like? What does rape ‘look’ like 10, 35, or 42 years later??? It’s more what it feels like, then what it looks like. Grrrrrrrrr!!

    Thanks goodness my partner seems to ‘get it’. He is in this for the long haul and he only wants me to be as happy as I can be. He knows there are rough times, and he is so kind and compassionate to me that I know he is a blessing sent to help me in my darkest hours. For the hours of the actual rape do pass…. but their memory brings them back every day. Those physical things that so affect us, that we so try to cover up…. to hide so others can’t see. We try NOT to let others see and know.

    Time will never fix that dear little girl.. and 25 years.. well, I’m sure she, like us, is still haunted by her perps memory and existence.

    Wishing us all the best we can be… despite what they did to us. We have to try and live the best and happiest lives we can, so that they don’t win.. they don’t still control us, our lives and our joy of life.

    Hugs to you Jay..

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