Archive for April, 2013

PTSD cannot be cured

April 28, 2013
002 by jayfherron
002, a photo by jayfherron on Flickr.

the newspaper article

April 21, 2013
022 by jayfherron
022, a photo by jayfherron on Flickr.

The above link will hopefully lead you to the recent article about myself-and a local woman-both telling the story of our rape.

I want to point out immediatly-the insult of the editors-and the proof of what I am saying about our society not being ready to hear…males are raped too!
You will notice the change in the actual description-as worded in the article…I know with out a shadow of a doubt I told the writer I was raped…because-in any sense of the truth…rape is NOT a sexual assault!
I have said it often and more-the word ‘sexual’ has no place being connected to RAPE!

I believe most of my readers would agree-I tell you about my life as it is and has been since my rape in 1969/70…new years eve; and the months that foloowed; and the years that followed.
I have opened myself up-in truth-to tell the truth…because the truth was not told-or heard-in that fateful period of my life.
Here…for everyone in any place I have told of everything that has made me rise up or made me fall…drinking, and drug abuse included!
You see…since that period in my life began with non-truths being told about me to have me placed in detention barracks D, it promotes the actual fact….the truth is paramount to anything else-it always stands! It is always there when you need it to be!
A lie…is not solid, mostly is impossable to keep track of-and is useless for anything; a lie fails! everytime!

I was mislead about the article! I am not saying that I was lied to-it is another reason why I am talking about truth and lying….but-it is in fact the truth, the newspaper article as it was presented to me was going to exclusively regard MST.

Believe me-Ms.Perrin, who shares in this artcle, suffers no less because her rape was not an MST incident; her rape was as violent a crime as can be described.
I am thankful for her bravery to tell her story-too.
But…when someone says “here is your chance to tell about MST” and the listener and writer of the details misses it-and fails to fully tell the story.
Well, I am sad and disappointed.

In deeper regrets-the writer did not even touch on the full impact of the VA hospital and how they told me to appeal for a disability benefit to validate me…then fought the crap out of me to keep me from getting it!
I never in my life thought of recieving benefits as WHAT?? could benefit me for having to nearly weep every morning of my life when ever I use the bathroom???
Think about that-it is too hurtful to explain!

The article has very little to say about the VA.

And-the truth!
My truth!

I have always thought of my life and the experience of living through the hell of barracks D-and the after years….was odd because I always had to defend myself; defend why my military time was only months, and never in Viet Nam.
Indeed-I had to preveracate to avoid embaressment, but-I never lied. I just left out the part about the rapes.
The rapes that no one came to my defense for me….”get used to it” was what I was told.

Would you be able to understand…being a Viet Nam era veteran and being in the company of combat vet’s who saw the real terror-and not being able to tell a story like thiers? to sit there among these men-and have to hide who you are? Even a mere week ago while waiting in the post office-two guys beside me in line began talking about ‘hamburger hill’ and ‘sepmer fi’ and I felt so ashamed.
I am not a veteran like they are!

One living person in my life knows the story of what happened! I really have a black hole in my life of what I know about taking place.
I never knew why I was arrested, or why I was being accussed.
If one reads the report the Naval Intelligence Officer wrote…you would think he had interviewed a 10 year old.
That interview came just hours after my being raped…I was so young then-I DID NOT EVEN KNOW IT WAS RAPE!!
There was no care-no sympathy-no assistance from a mental health counsoler-nothing; and from that day on…it was just a long life of being thought of as a liar and a loser.
But…one living witness who can shed light.

The only one-is still alive.

In fact-the newspaper article writes that she told them my brother felt I was going to ruin his career.
I never knew that.
Why can’t I be told…my truth?

I wonder if the witness interviewed ever knew that the Navy was offering me college in exchange for 10 years military service?
I wonder if she knew my brother made my life so miserable after my telling him the exciting news…he told me they were lying just to get me to re-enlist.
My brother was jealous-that is what I knew in my memory of it.
But-my witness has her versions too.

I do know-the result of the secret is this-I was beaten and raped! and raped! and raped…for two months, more than once a day-if it worked out that way.
So-I will always remember what good a lie does for a person; after all-it was a lie that put me in this place!
A LIE FROM A BROTHER-my brother!

He was married to the witness-then.

In 2009 the witness and her husband (no longer my brother-divorced) made a trip from the snowy north to the hopeful warmth of Florida.
It was a chilly Winter-they had a travel trailer-and the water pipes froze; and the vehicle they towed the thing with was too light to really tote it safely.
We had a visit during their stay-having not seen each other in 16-maybe more years, or so.
Or…communications-nothing personal between us.

Due to the weather, I offered the security of my property to store the travel trailer until the weather improved a few months later. It came to no harm-and was as they left it when they returned!
And-they were invited to stay a few days visit!

The travel trailer was parked 10′ from my house-30′ feet from my front door.
They visited-she visited-entering into my house through the front door!
And-that Sunday-attended church with my sons wife!

We had conversation,these guests and I-in the living room of my house…I believe-more then once!

So-a week after they leave my sons wife begins a chat by saying “by the way…auntie Bernie aske me a question about you”


“yes…she wanted to know if you did drugs”

“huh?”…”when’d she ask you this?”

“oh…in church last Sunday!”

“in church”…”you?”…”why?”…”and why you”…”and-what could you possably tell her?”

To say the least-the longer this sunk in-the more it hurt!
How cold someone be so rude to be in your home…and yet-behind your back-in a church-ask someone else about your/my personal life?

Am I a liar?
I suppose…it must be so-if I could not be shown the respect to have my own chance to respond to the question about my life…I must be a liar!

I was-and am again offended!

The newspaper article!
In order to prove me truth…again…despite that the writer-reporter had every piece of paper of my case file; had spoken to my attorney….needed to speak to someone who could “tell my truth”!
Why…there is only one living who knows the story-it is her!
But…she seems not so particular how to get the truth, not finding me as a good source of my own truth…so? who knows what she will say to you (Ms.Reporter)??

Like falling down and having someone put a shitty boot in your face to keep you from getting up…I had called my sons wife and asked her to call this woman-the witness-and give her an advanced notice the reporter may-and did-call.

The shitty boot?
I had to call this woman and apologize to her for being angry!
Apologize in order to (hopefully) have my truth told…the same truth I’ve been denied all of these years, yet must grovel for now, and apologize with out being able to say how insulting it was to me to have my personal business discussed in a church-House of God-a Faith Tabernacle…with out the consideration of being asked first….
if she wanted info on me?
Why not ask me?
It was only footsteps away!!
I am bound by the truth of my life-why think I may lie?
Very confusing.
All in thinking my telling the story of MST to a local newspaper woud come out as it is-in fact-a story of many many veterans who are hurting and suffering and their story is much more important then the fact someone has to hold a secret of someones truth as a marker-of a debt.
Hostage by having to apologize….for wanting to tell the story of thousands!…not-me…for MANY!
And…the crixtian ladys chatter at the back of a church in a high and mighty fashion, of disgusting selfish chitter.

Of course, I am not happy…sounding off here as well…as I had actually never thought about it again since 2009 when I had asked for an apology and was met with rebuke.
Forgiveness IS forgetting it!
Until the other week when the reporter asked for a witness…then I remembered-this person might not be so happy with me.
Out of consideration-to avoid a surprise call from a reporter-I thought I would be courteous and have her notified there may be such a call.
I did not expect someone could continue to harbor a grudge…when indeed-it should be myself who held but deposited a grudge long ago…and made me grovel for forgiveness, which was mine to give-not to ask for….in order to tell the truth!

I AM glad I trust in a Living Loving God…and not in church or the people of!

the dreamer and the dream-part TWO

April 21, 2013
the dreamer and the dream-by jay herron by jayfherron
the dreamer and the dream-by jay herron, a photo by jayfherron on Flickr.

The following is my artists statement,which is on display with my painting ‘the Dreamer and the Dream’ at the Alachua County (FL) Victims Services Center-in Gainesville for recognition of April being National Rape and Sexual Assault Awareness Month.

My statement:

I am a 62 year old male.
Our family home was in Washington DC. I was born just outside of the city-and I grew up surrounded by the history of the United States.
As a boy the museums and archives of our nation’s Capital became my substitute for Saturday morning TV, and eventually my sole classroom, opting to cut classes and explore the great buildings in the city instead.
In the 1960’s-my teen years-the changes of unrest were very obvious in the city! The Civil Rights Movement and the Viet Nam War were events in our history that I was seeing firsthand. War protests and the scenes from Viet Nam were daily news-equally as much as the fight for freedom for the segregated citizens of the USA. A very confusing time!
Responding to the call of duty-I enlisted in the US Navy at age 17. After basic training I was stationed with my older brother-a petty officer on our ship.
This was a poorly conceived arrangement which enraged my brother to the extent that he lied to have me arrested and placed in the brig-the USN style jail. An innocent kid!
I was raped there-frequently.
After two months I was released, and my body was freed from the brig-bringing with it the shame and guilt and lifelong loss of trust and faith in others. Every day of my life recoils with the post traumatic disabilities of the trauma.
I have never been free-PTSD follows me forever.
My piece is “The Dreamer and the Dream”
We all grow up having dreams and aspirations for what our futures bring! My dreams were to become an architect inspired by the cavernous buildings I grew up around.
My dreams were shattered by the effect the crimes against my body had on my mental health. Instead they were replaced by broken marriages damaged by alcohol and drugs-anything to mask the pain.
Although the misery of PTSD continues to recall the past-I have taken better management of my health. After many years-I have begun to relearn myself and find release in my art!
What my life would have been like if the attacks had not happened is now what my dreams are of. I do not know-what was supposed to be a beginning ended at age 18.
Now I find my escape in my art instead of with drugs, or being a drunk! My paintings allow me a place to where I can confront all of the anger I have from my past-and the memory of the brig. To me-my paintings are like being a mid-wife to a child being born into my hands, and somehow there is a peace in that. Jay Herron

the dreamer and the dream-part ONE

April 21, 2013
the dreamer and the dream-by jay herron by jayfherron
the dreamer and the dream-by jay herron, a photo by jayfherron on Flickr.

My painting ‘The Dreamer and the Dream’ is hanging with many other pieces for the ‘survivors art exhibit’ at the Victims Services Center in Gainesville, Florida.
My piece is one but along with the others, we are all survivors!

At the reception I stood up in front of an audience of 40 to 50 attendees-a very diverse group, some parents with children.
It is very awkward for me to speak-in public. My intent was to try and remain calm and focused in my mind the entire day coming up to the point where I stood in front of the podium.
I am sorry-I did not speak about MST at this time, I am reserving my energy for my use with my seat on the ‘rape and sexual assault advisory council’ that I have been re-appointed to.
This group the other night needed to hear the truth about rape!

Rape is not an act of sex!
The attacker is getting the thrill of overpowering another-it is a thrust of abuse, and not of release and compassion.
I firmly believe the term ‘sexual assault’ is distorting the truth; the word ‘sexual’ softens the ‘blow’, so to speak,to many who have no idea-and draws attention away from the fact…this crime is horrendously harmful for the rest of the victim/survivors life.
I often disagree with the word-survivor-but it is there in connection so I use it.

I spoke for male survivors-I spoke about men and younger males who have been the least represented in the facts-mostly because of social stigma.
I said I wanted to stand there and offer myself as a face!
It was not a long wordy talk-not at all, just really a few facts to educate!
I wanted them to hear it from a male who knows-and who has been life long hurt from the experience of 40 plus years ago!
I needed to express-there are many silent victims out in our radius who cannot come for help.
I hope somehow they will.

In three weeks I return to my seat on the ‘rape and sexual assault advisory council’….which is a word full of saying this is a group of citizens who are appointed by the local government to give them advise on selecting or starting programs for rape victims / survivors.
I know a lot of it is fund raising-which is not my interest-and some more of it is planning events, such as the art exhibit, which is a little more closer for me…but-my sole true reason for requesting appointment to the council is to bring the voice of MST veterans as close to home as I can!

I won’t hesitate to speak out-it just is, the other night it was not quite the choice for for saying anything…Americans are not ready enough to accept males being rape victims, it surely would not have been understood enough in this venue to speak about MST.

I did write-and will post a copy-of an artists statement which introduces my piece.
There is was very obvious of the military connection.

See the continued…in part TWO

this video…very informative those who doubt!

April 8, 2013
American flags by jayfherron
American flags, a photo by jayfherron on Flickr.