Fathers Day 1970

b'nai cemetery 022   Forty-five years ago on Fathers Day I found myself homeless and yet beginning a journey; my life journey. I was 18 years old.

Nine years ago another journey began-a journey when I started writing this blog. I had to stop a few years ago; my own inability to handle my own life and fears became overwhelmed trying to load it with the struggles of others; in explanation-there were too much of me in others that I found that I had to let it go-or else!

I am still weak. I still battle the fear, and find myself in company with isolation. The worse of it is-the accurate visions of the pasts that disturb my life in the first place!

Last week on Fathers Day as I have done each year since 1970 (when possible) I return to the B’nai Israel Cemetery that gave me refuge on my first day.  Then I give thanks for the way God worked to lead me then-and guide me now! I confess-it will be a good day on the last day!

What I want to say is not so easy with out covering much of what is already told in the contents of this blog….a journal that began when the Veterans Administration (VA) and my experience with Military Sexual Trauma (MST) became entwined, sort of a circumstance of the VA expressing sympathy and offering hope and beating the shit out of me to be sure neither would be mistaken for true. It is all to deep to explain in just a few moments with a few words….but here is the easiest….1970 is my year of infamy, if only to me in private. I kept so many things quiet and hidden in my soul-then.

It is still the same-just is-the callous has gotten harder! The PTSD has kept right on going as a relentless foe. I celebrate alone four words that s written on my VA disability decision where the judge wrote “exonerated from any wrongdoing”….alone because the person I had most hoped to see them (my father) had died before they came. The liberation from blame belongs only to me-but yet-the guilt and shame still wake with me each morning as since 1970; I am trying to say “it is never over”!

It was a beautiful day walking through the cemetery. The city was just outside the walls but somehow it seemed quiet; the cemetery is slightly larger than it was in 1970 and even though it still has a quaint sense, peaceful and very private.

Birds are like signs to me; my photographs taken from my visit were just random. my eyes can’t focus the camera any more-so my pictures are a thing of chance; I was thrilled to learn a fledgling had left its nest-and landed on this tombstone when it did! Another sign from a bird…this time a baby bird just beginning life free from the nest….soon to mount up with wings to fly it through life; just like the wings God gave me.

Peace

5 Responses to “Fathers Day 1970”

  1. David Lund Says:

    Good to see you post again! 🙂 Your comments are very helpful.

  2. jayherron Says:

    I am glad David to be helpful-and apologize that my posts are nearly zero….I am still here-just weary of it all. Peace

  3. Richard Newman Says:

    Don’t quit now – this is a fantastic journey which could easily become a best-seller book some day. You’ve done the hard part by keeping up the consistency of writing since 2006. It’s very sad to see the poor treatment a lot of Vets receive. I assume you won’t be voting for Donald Trump!

    • jayherron Says:

      I really appreciate your advice….but assure you-the strength of the mistrust over rides my desire to support any of them ever; I trust God and the Trumps and Cruz’s and any of them are what they are; no-I voted for Jimmy Carter, my only time! Peace

  4. Art Konstantino Says:

    Simply provoking Jay.

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