davey and cooker 009

So…here is the easy of it! Nothing has changed!!

You all know the story-it is told here in several years of writings; PTSD and the MST that brought it on and has kept it alive…still is.

It is true that my claim against the Veterans Administration came back as 100% fully disabled; here is what that means:

I continue to live alone with three dogs as my companions; my bed sheets continually spread with sand from the two Chihuahuas that persist on being up there in comfort; my other companions are the crevice spiders; I lay down most nights praying “why can’t I be normal” and still wake everyday – meaning…everyday – taking a mental inventory of my surroundings, and my memory of the detention barrack D and the daily assault on my body. I still fear crowds and as always I have good intentions on going to art openings where I know friends will be – but my anxiety of the state of panic prevents me from going; I am so embarrassed by my absences; and – being totally void of any relationship of intimacy since 1998 is taking a toll on my spirits. I am clueless.

Yes, there is the compensation that joins with the VA 100%.

Money does not make happy. Money makes miserable. It does not meet the damage of the PTSD with any comfort. Now a days most of my compensation goes to paying my current hospital bills from a heart attack and subsequent seven hour surgery to open an artery early this year; FREE at the VA hospital….but-I so deeply fear the VA hospital….I requested the ambulance to take me to any place but there! So-I am paying for my medical care out of the compensation I receive. Next time around – I promise – I will not dial 911; I want to just lean up against a tree and watch the birds, and simply pass.

I still cook my meals on the grill-outside…there is an oven in the kitchen, only used one time by my sister in law years ago; I brew my coffee on one burner-once a day, finally – the gas company removed the cylinder due to my long periods between gas purchase since I use so little! My house? It has been tightened up better than the many years it saw too much open air; but – it is the same house since day one from its arrival to me 20 some years ago-after someone else lived in it for 20 years before.

I refuse to change living this way because the facts that led us here in 1975 are the same factors that want me to keep this place the same (the suggestions have been to bulldoze and build-are not for me) because I never want to lose the connection of why and how we came to live here; it was not easy – ever!

It was what God gave me.

Peace

10 Responses to “”

  1. Ken Says:

    My God I have been living with the rape, abuse and humiliation that occur to me while in basic training at Fort Gordon GA in 1968. I was drafted out of high school and came from a small town in NC. After basic training which took almost nine or ten weeks. The length of training was longer because I not giving the correct size boots which cause blisters on my feet. I have never never had a relationship with a woman as I feel dirty and not sure of myself.
    I have no friends or family remaining and what little I do I have cut out of my life because of the shame that I have had to deal with over the past forthy seven years. How can I go on??? I am at my end and feel I am living in hell.

    Ken

    • jayherron Says:

      Ken, you are not alone. How can l say it that the words would bring comfort to you? I wish myself that l could figure out how to change each part of our lives-as you have said above-l pretty much can say the same things[ not about the boots-but yet-my shirts to my daily uniform were mutilated and l was restricted to a small limited area of the ship. It doesn’t even make sense to try and make the two compare.
      What is sure-to form relationships and keeping friends is lost to me too. My family is gone. parents, and l’ve ruined the rest from my twisted up personality and the extreme distortion of how l perceive things at times-a sense you may understand-of uncertainty of what really is going on because the damage of what others did to us has eaten away any comfort we can get from companionship.
      l have friends-and sons-all of them know what happened in my MST and PTSD; l have told them but yet could not avoid it with my sons…when younger and doing drugs to ease the pain sitting across from my two then small boys-telling them why my life was so fucked up.
      One recently retired from USN and the other as we speak is doing his reserve time USCG; in honesty-they helped me grow up.
      But-the missing ‘girl friend’ and the ability to enjoy holiday things and gatherings…l cant even make that work-for me-or others.
      I got to tell you-getting it out of yourself is paramount and powerful-can you find the right outlet to talk-to someone who really would understand?
      It helps unlock and spit out this crazy assed secret we are forced to keep-by no fault of our own?
      Are you filing a claim for this?
      Anything l can respond to-l will.
      Peace

  2. MikeE Says:

    Yoo Jay! Just wanted to say hello and I hope things are as well for you as can be. You are a warrior & have long fought the good fight — and really that’s what counts more than anything. so take it on faith that your healing is out there, at least that’s what I do. Ok man, let’s not be strangers eh? Miss you!
    cheers,
    mikee

    • Ken Says:

      MikeE, Thanks for responding to me during this difficult time of my life. I have just come to terms as to way I have work so hard me entire life without an relationships. I am along and forgotten because of what happened to me in basis training and the Military.

      Stay in touch my friend,

      Ken

    • Ken Says:

      Thanks and be safe and well

  3. Hooley Says:

    I am sorry what happened to you occurred but you don’t deserve a dime of compensation. A few months of worthless service filled with illegal drug use is not what the MST programs where designed for. Its for women who are being marginalized by the US government, its for those who got molested while sedated for surgery on active duty, and DADT pushed out of service. You’re a jailhouse rat and clog the system for those who did no wrong. The reason nothing exist for men in treatment is most will not go and those that fit the medical/DADT refuse to sit with people who got jail house stories.

    • jayherron Says:

      You are wrong in every aspect! Appears you briefed and never read what is written here-yes-9 years of writings is hard to cover. I enlisted at age 17 to fight for freedom-in Viet Nam. My mistake-to enlist to serve with a brother-my brother. There was never any drug abuse in my service. A Federal judge exonerated me from any wrong doing… and…why do l need to defend myself to you? peace

      On Tue, Oct 27, 2015 at 4:37 PM, a males life after rape wrote:

      >

  4. jayherron Says:

    archerbeachrez@gmail.com

  5. Hooley Says:

    I BELIEVE YOU but don’t think you should be compensated. Too many boot camp Rambo who got it jail dominate the compensation and treatment. All women tell the truth, POWs, Medical molestation, and marginalized DADT service members were who this was meant for. You miss the point Mr. Herron about why MST programs, treatment, and compensation exist. You are one the people setting a bad precedent for FEDERAL prisoners being compensated for damages. Ever hear of Amytal interview? I was given at the VA in 2012 because I would not admit/remember I was medical molestation in the Persian Gulf while sedated for surgery during a desert storm no fly zone cruise (was zone). I was not only with other victims stepping forward an being caught. Unlike you all of us were awarded compensation at discharge in 1996-97 four years after it happen but it was 2012 before the first claim was made. NONE of us have been treated because there are so many men over there in those programs with boot camp or jailhouse experiences. There are no Government Cover-up with squad leaders being mean to you or jail stories. You ran a website extorting money from a Government you failed in service and used courts for years, MOST people this happened to never even tell their wives IF THEY ever marry. Being 17 when you enlisted is no big deal as 65% of recruits Delay Entry today. You didn’t enlist in the service for NAM and my father self immolated so I take big issues with people claiming to be VIETANAM VETS and are not. No fleet sailor served in Nam or had any chance to go. Had you done your enlistment or at least part of it you would know that no FLEET sailor was in danger in Vietnam

    I am the son of Purple Heart Veteran who had medal higher with Hamburger Hill/Ripcord service in Nam. I got every campaign medal of my era but no valor medals but am forced to sit with people who talk about being criminals, less than 8 months service, and telling outrageous lies. The Dentist who was molesting sailors sedated in the Gulf was 0-6 and USNR. He was also a Dean of Dental school and the reason you didn’t see that on the cover of time magazine was his victims wanted their privacy. We could have been bigger media whores than Kato Katlin and let’s not forget I was compensated back in 1996 but it was 2012 before I “applied” for on my behalf. I never consented at the VA for Amytal and I think instead of someone like me the DOD says YES it happened to and YES compensate him they should Amytal others that didn’t have honorable service. In 1994 they even listed it as “war injury” for VA purposes and listed in their system as the same as purple heart wound due to war zone (NO MEDAL and none should every be awarded for it). They called it “broken hearts” in the early 90s and awarded to women but included the dentist victims due to his rank.

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