I do not want to be an alarmist…but-there is a buzzer going off in my head.

First…I am honest about this everyday-I do not understand politics; if a man tells me something, I listen, and then wait until there is proof.

Looking back at the last nine days I have seen enough to worry me.

I know the MST-veteran. I know the PTSD that is attached. I know the shame; and-the guilt. What I do not know is what will become of the willingness to report a sexual attack while on active duty; or after military discharge….now!

My term for those of us who are living with the post-trauma of military sexual trauma is “the Silent Wounded”. We stay quiet because of the fear of reprisal from the fraternal ranks and the condemnation of ” do you know what you’re saying?” if you were brave enough to report the assault. And now-I fear-a larger threat!

I wrote my thoughts the other day-and today they seem stronger. The facts. And, alternate facts. Of course-we know-alternate facts-are fiction; worse yet-they are lies.

This is not about me; it is about all of us -the silent wounded.

More than ever-we need to speak up. Our silence can turn out to be strength and power…only if we ended it. It can be strength and power-for you, and for many. There are so many of us who are hurting inside and in silence.

I am determining on my own by looking at the past nine days that seeking justice during the new administration-or president-or who ever ends up in charge of this era of the Veterans Administration….there will be no sympathy for the sexual traumatized veteran. I fear-any active duty personnel-who by chance experience sexual trauma while in service tour country….will be silenced by  this lack of sympathy.

Peace

 

 

 

January 21, 2017-or-what’s next?

I know I am not alone in saying we as a Nation are apprehensive about the coming four years; I want to write an ‘anti ‘ article about the individual that was sworn to defend out Constitution yesterday, our 45th President. Heck…there is enough ‘anti’ about the man that there is nothing more I could add to tip the canoe  (and dump the Trump), the National Mall facing the US Capital showed everyone that-yesterday….empty in comparison to previous inaugurations.

There is-one huge concern, and that is mixed in upon another huge concern, which has trails of other huge concerns-behind the first…..sexual assault, and persons with disabilities.

This is hard to wrap myself around. I am not a political person at all. I’d rather be away from everything where it is safer. It never goes that way, but….

A long time ago when the young John McCain (AZ Senator)came home from being freed from a Viet Nam POW camp-he the person-became a hero to me. It was not on the date he returned that hero thoughts entered my head, no-it was reading his experience in that misery of POW’s.

Now-this is not to reign praise over him because of his position. It is to express-reading of the torture and broken limbs and countless inhumane miseries added. I feel my stomach turn every time I reflect on his experience.

And then in his political campaign the man who is now our ‘president’ tells Americans he does not see John McCain as a anything except someone who was captured. His statement “I don’t like people who were captured” resonates in my head…for the sake all veterans.

I have many mixed feelings about this, but if this is how the POTUS feels about a true hero-one who was there in combat-one who survived his plane being shot out from under him-and the years of torture that followed; what does he think of veterans with PTSD…and to drop us further down the chain of command, PTSD due to the psychological damages of sexual trauma.

Sexual trauma.

I am sick of people who think that the ‘sexual’ in trauma means that the trauma is not so much of a big deal to worry about; it has been said to me…”it’s just sex”, and the supposed nurturing statement…”are you still on that subject-get over it”.

I have to express how PTSD can and does effect the life of all who are injured in this way; I have fright in ways many could laugh at-but I promise-the seizure of PTSD is horrific.

I have to express  how having another person and persons over take you with fists in the face and kicks to the body and forcing things unbelievable on you….it is not….sexual. It is assault! It is trauma! It is criminal…and not fun, as those who exist that mistake it for being a good time. It is not for jokes; nor-locker room banter. There is nothing fun or funny about sexual trauma-at all.

It was not-and still-is not a comfortable feeling that the POTUS has the impression that he being the high power celebrity has the right to sexually assault woman because of his position. His appointee to the Attorney General has commented that “grabbing a woman’s ….” privates is not sexual assault.

Am I making sense?

And – this morning – various newspapers have told us the White House has deleted the LGBT page from their website (their?….ours!!) and also scrubbed the ‘disabilities’ page; remembering the scene during the campaign where Trump mimics a disabled journalist?

This man will never understand PTSD. This man will never understand sexual trauma!

Of course….my political view? I doubt if this man understands any of us-nor does he care about anything else, especially who WE are!

Peace

 

 

 

the photo speaks for itself

I am Jay Herron-and this is my photograph.

I am a survivor of military sexual trauma; after all these years of writing it…most of you already know. For those who do not; I have pretty much laid out my life here. But-to be point blank-I am a male rape survivor.

This blog covers several years of bmy being a victim and living a life with the stigma and the added PTSD. All of that is here. I have written about my battle with the VA…here too.

All of that-the battle for justice….I guess as far as the VA is concerned, is over. I was successful in my case, but that is about the limit.

I still suffer the PTSD. That will be forever.

Living with the after of my assault(s) has always been a struggle-it still is a struggle-even now that I am 65 years old and yet the moment of time in 1969 has frozen into a memory of haunting proportions.

I suppose none of that being said is encouraging-but it is a fact of our life. Getting used to it-is not an option, and as long as it has been imbedded in my soul-like a callous-I doubt if there will ever be a comfort zone for me.

The other day-I had to pee quite readily, only to enter the public restroom where I was shopping….another person was already there-never the less-always there; the fear made me agonize until I could find a private place (such as a tree in the woods). A constant fear.

 

All of that explained;  I became detached from writing this blog. The problem is-I began something that I have to finish. My local VA PTSD clinic sent me to speak to the DVA advocate in mmy area. It was not easy to explain in detail my story to retired US Marine red neck gunny sergeant who had only one serious comment saying “gee-you never thought homosexuals have a reason to rape each other”….and-he was firm serious.

 

There are problems for the MST (military sexual trauma) veteran. Deep-serious problems; they need to be heard and regarded as sacred private and respected with dignity; not treated with hillbilly humor.

 

Like I have said before-I am disconnected from the VA; no longer do I feel comfortable with them-for ‘health care’ when these occasions happen that are traumatic as well.

In the past years-I became acquainted with Lynn Johnson-photojournalist-specifically to use her connections and ability to raise awareness for the light of the veteran-of MST.

Yesterday we visited; an idea came to the table where Lynn recalled the Viet Nam era when the photos of the casualties of the war were published in LIFE magazine. No story line-just the photos of the young faces killed in war.

It had an impact.

We talked about doing something similar and to develop a traveling exhibit to show in VA clinics and other venues where discussion and hopes may be born. Where the knowledge of the plight of MST can be told by the faces of each of us.

Thus-my photo here today.

Of course-this only just began about 15 hours ago in conversation….we are adamant that awareness and actions are paramount in a time where still-nothing proper is being done.

Would something like this-be of interest to you?

Comment-please!

Peace

 

2017=47 years of PTSD

Forty-seven years ago today I woke in a bunk at detention barracks D on a US Navy base on the James River-Virginia. Twenty-seven hours earlier I had been sexually traumatized.

Today is ‘new years’ day….the wee hour of early morning before the sounds of roosters. In my constant replay of this period of my life I hear the muffled sounds of sleep and snoring across the barracks…actually-my mind begins to react to waking and an inventory in my head begins; an inventory of this date-of where I am-and what surrounds me-and the thought of how I ended up in this place, now my home-my home since 1975.

The inventory is searching for the sounds…now missing excepting when I ‘hear’ them in a space only my mind occupies, also the stink of jail and a hundred men or so breathing and farting in a closed building day after day after day.

Also the fear. There is a lasting fear, an insecurity of not feeling totally safe….and-since 1975 I have lived deep in a forest on a land-bound island of sheer privacy, and yet-there is the fear.

The inventory expands when I make myself coffee-and eventually to the worse reminder, the toilet.

The toilet.

I do not require a check off sheet. I know every hard memory of he events leading up to my being taken to barracks D. I know them because huge remnants won’t even wash off in the shower. There are reminders there-too.

So…fast forward through the years of booze abuse and drug abuse and personal physical abuse….that one in particular I referred to as “damage control” because I was doing the damage-to me-and had no control; the damages were trying to relive the events on and on as if for some reason I had some other person inside of me controlling what I did with out my permission….solely to get hurt-again; for 30 some odd years I self destructed….enter the Veterans Administration Medical Center, Gainesville FL.

First thing is….I am a male. So when? When is there a time-and where is there a safe place for male rape victims to go? Who do we talk to?

For thirty-five years I kept my mouth shut-in shame-of my non-military service during an era where other kids my age where being shot at and trying to kill the enemy….not being detained in detention-FOR NOTHING!!

For all the years I had to live in silence all the time falling on my face from trying to drink the memory out of my mind.

It is still here.

The memory….they call it PTSD.

Let me be honest…all the VA wanted to do was medicate me!

That is when I had enough.

So I became an angry MST (military sexual trauma) veteran when the VA instructed me to seek validation for my ‘injury’ of post traumatic stress by sending me to my local DVA advocate to file for a disability.

Every bit of the idea confounded me…and yet I went into a world of proof of why I kept my silence in the first place!

“Gee….you never think homosexuals
need a reason to rape each other” the DVA guy said seriously.

That pretty much sealed the deal for me. Anybody that could think that-is not a person victim of this crime-and never found justice.

I began writing fiercely during the period of my filing a VA claim-hopeful to help other silent wounded to come forward and seek justice; the empowerment of many to face the VA and make the VA face the facts….MST is real and it is serious….
AND-no survivor should be handed over to a DVA advocate to further the hope for justice.
Never!

The last few years my attention to any of this was avoided-because my eventual contact with other survivors began to weigh on me. I am just a high school drop out who enlisted to serve my country. I am just a guy. I am just somebody around.
But-the injustice of it all still eats at me-on top of the memories that are everlasting. It became difficult to maintain my own sanity and then adding more of me on top of that in the words of other survivors-it became hard to assume all of the history of each experienced assault.

I still want change in the process for the silent wounded.
It should not be in the care of a DVA advocate.

The moment a veteran opens up about any sexual trauma while in military service,,,,MUST have sensitive care.
Not care from someone that concludes rape as some type of sexual misbehavior on both parts; as something humorous; as something which is the victims fault.

I am older and tired now more than ever-had a heart attack and seven hours of procedures to open an artery almost two years ago. I’m worn out. BUT-I am still pissed at the insensitive manner that the VA treated me with….and-mistreats so many others.
I hope to renew my writing and commentary  and efforts  although I have not entered a VA in over five years….I still am angry the now-still in 2017….no improvement in this has yet to enforce change.

I hope to raise that up where we can make a change; and open an easier sensitive led process to justice.

Peace