Today…39 years ago

ijay   Today is sunk in my memory forever, Last night I woke at 0200 from the nightmare. Today I will sag from depression-all week I have been worn tired from anxiety. My anniversary of entering barracks D  is today. At around 0200 tomorrow morning I will live that moment in time for the rest of my life.

As I have written in these pages for nearly three years-I am a male rape survivor. Because my rapes took place while on active duty in the US Military-I have the distinction of being a survivor of ‘military sexual trauma’ or MST. I also suffer from ‘post traumatic stress disorder’ or PTSD.

I am having a difficult time thinking of what to say-I have been awake since 0200 and that from fleeing a horrid dream, a dream about incarceration. My assaults took place while I was in barracks D,a detention barracks-my crime? I had done nothing!

The details of my life are recorded in this journal. I never intended to write about it like this-on the computer for anyone to see…but things happened which changed my silence.

Because my assaults happened while in military service-the story needs to  be told,and because I am a male-the story needs to be told.

If you find this journal and decide to read you will find all aspects of my life. You will learn I couldn’t hold a job-although I worked hard all of my life. You will learn that I have had a life long battle with sobriety-finding that escape in drugs only meant that the issue still was alive the next day. You will learn that I have lived a life fearful of public places-and people.

I am having difficulty writing this morning. The event 39 years ago makes me emotional-and I am tired of waking up and the first thing I think of is barracks D. I am tired -period!

I find it ironic-the day after tomorrow I am going to be standing on a military base-an actual US Marine ‘boot camp’ at Paris Island. I will be proud to be there-it will make me sad, but yet proud. I am ending this year of 2008 exonerated from wrongdoing by the Veterans Administration. It seems appropriate that God will have me begin my New Year-this new year- standing on a military base.

Peace

2 Responses to “Today…39 years ago”

  1. Wayne Says:

    Its hard i kn0w ive been raped last year by 5 men they held me down to ground while they made turns forcing themselves onto me ,i couldnt defend myself cos while the 1 raped me the other each hold a limb of my body and they 2 guys holding my legs keep it so wide apart i c0uld feel the pain as he(on top) of me repeadtedly raped me,i havent told anyone yet,i am so ashamed of myself,im so depressed,im irrittated,i yell scream at those who care for me,they d0nt kn0w whats happening to me,i cry when im al0ne,i d0nt want to socialise,i keep getting flashbacks of what happened to me that night

    • jayherron Says:

      I realized a long time ago-even still then keeping it a secret from others-that the disease of PTSD festers inside of you and eats at you. What you are experienceing is PTSD-what those close to you if you can explain that something has happened to you some time ago and it is not them-it is IT that is eating at you and why you eat back at them!
      That is all you need to say!
      But-I understand that doing something like that is not as easy as I could make it sound!
      I know one thing-you need to find someone to tell it to!
      I know this is not easy either-but you do, especially if you can find a sexual trauma counselor, it will help to purge the violence conflicted on your spirit.
      You did NOTHING wrong-nothing!
      We love you and hear your pain, you can trust that!
      peace

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