Originally uploaded by jayfherron.
I don’t know if theres always a way to title my lamentations. For these past two years I’ve been going through treatment for post traumatic stress disorder all because in frustration one time about medications-which I do not like to take …seemed to be the veterans hospitals way of treating people like me. So I got pissed and wrote a letter saying that all the years I tried to drink everything available to drink and shoved so much powdered dope up my nose …all to escape myself and the memories of those days and nights at barracks D and all that experience has done. And the VA’s answer was to give me medication.
I got someones attention-but it was’nt what I was trying to do-I was just saying…how does this make sense? you people tell me to quit my way of self medicating and what do you want to do? medicate me !!
It is hard for me to trust anything…seriously,it is an extreme that I go to to just trust…and that is not an easy thing for me to do.
The ship in the photograph was all they needed to do for me-to say I could live there as long as I wanted. I trusted that system with all that I could give them…I was probrebly the only guy in boot camp that could’nt wait to see what came the next day. In my head I can still see the huge galleys and the numbers and numbers of men there in lines waiting to be fed or at the seats and tables eating. All of them-every one…in blue. All of us the same.
I trusted the order of the service and thought it was going to change my life-it did,but not in the dreams I had had about my new life…my new chance to be something that mattered.
My life was changed that is for certain .

One Response to “blank…”

  1. melissachickie Says:

    I always feared the same system my father worked for, the Department of Justice. I feared that they would say or blame me for what Oscar did, and try to belittle the impact it had on my life. This is what kept me from telling besides some other variables. Medication doesn’t help unless you are bogged down by sluggish feelings all day long, like how I feel now, so I take some meds to curb that sluggishness. I am then able to cope with sadness, grief, anger or any other feelings and emotions that life brings me. Feeling the emotions linked to the rapes will give you a sense of freedom, this is what I have found. I hope that with Charlotte, your therapist, you can work through some of the impacts.

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