how big can a lie be-how long will a lie live?


me at schaaf studio

Originally uploaded by jayfherron

In 1969 someone decided to tell a lie. I will never know the full context of the lie-even though the lie was about me.

The lie was meant to serve a purpose-I suppose,but it was not to advance me, nor was it ever over.

My entire life since that lie was spoken has been effected.

I suppose the way the lie was meant to be rid of me. My brother was the one who used the lie to do that-I will never know how it all came to be. I have paid for the length of the lie to this day.

I had once promised that I would quit writing this journal of my life. I keep thinking I’ve told as much as I can-there is no more. I keep finding out that I am wrong.

My mother telephoned me the other day. Her life too has been effected by the lie-and who knows what part of the story she has right? I don’t think any of it…I know for certain-she knows none of the truth.

She was crying when she phoned. That broke me,hearing an 85 year old woman cry like that-begging me for forgiveness….but for all the wrong things. The part where the lie came from was not mentioned. I was to forgive nothings…nothings being things I had no knowledge of-nor made a difference because they had nothing to do with what happened in the Navy and what it was my brother did to make that happen. The lie.

I’ve tried to explain as much as I could-writing this! I was a kid 17 years old growing up in the 50’s and 60’s-the Ozzie and Harriet years of gentle and comfortable homes. 

The Viet Nam war was going on-I chose to enlist in the Navy. They placed me in a reserve program because of my age, but after my 18th birthday I took off for boot camp.

All life was not like the one Ozzie and Harriet played on television. Theirs was perfection made by telling story’s-on the screen that was pretend. Over the years I’ve learned to hate pretend…let us pretend this never happened.

I listened to my mother cry-she kept going on and on about a photo album-photo’s of the brother who made up the lie that changed the course of my life. I don’t even know anything about the album-it was the first I knew I was believed to have taken from our family home. No mention of what had happened to me?

To anybody else I suppose all of this sounds trivial-and what does this have to do with anything about a lie? It just adds to part of the hurt.

The other day I wrote and told about a ‘dung beetle’ and how it makes its whole life about grabbing feces and rolling a huge ball of it to a burrow it eventually makes. We watched one while at the beach a few weeks ago-as it rolled its prize the piece kept collecting grains of sand and got larger and larger. That is what the lie has done in my life-it has grown larger and larger.

It was just a photo album-and I never knew it was another of the items I have been suspect of removing from the home. I’ve never taken anything-but somehow it turns to me when something is missing. Hearing about it being found and then learning I was guilty again.

Anyone is free to make a judgement on me. They can call me a looser. Consider me shit. It does not matter. The lie in 1969 has grown so much around me that I do not care anymore. It is like a callous.

I know none of this makes sense to anyone else but me! I woke up this morning after a typical violent dream. I have always had frequent dreams-nightmares about being incarcerated. As usual-as always my waking up took me back to that night in barracks D. Step by step in my memory I can go through the entire day. Inch by inch-and every mile since then. The morning dawn the day of the rapes the officer that saw me told me to “get used to it”! And this morning when I woke from being harassed in my sleep by the memory-I woke to it anyway.

I have never gotten used to it.

I wish I could explain what this has done to alter my mental health over the years. This New Years Eve at 0200 it will be 40 years…22 hours before the partys all scream “happy new year”-I will have already begun the long process of living the silent way the damage had taken over.

I hate it that our lives are coming to an end this way. My father died a few years ago-he died never knowing the truth,he never knew what really happened and who I really was. My mother will never know the truth.

I saw a bumper sticker once when I was a trucker-the only bumper sticker I ever took time to memorize. It read:  “When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep like Grandpa did…not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car”.

I wish when we die it would be that easy-to be able to take those who we love with us so God can show them what really was…and what was not!

Oh well…it was just a bumper sticker!

6 Responses to “how big can a lie be-how long will a lie live?”

  1. Faith Says:

    From his lie came a whole idea of “who you were” and from there you were suspect to the slightest thing gone wrong or missing. I so get it.

    When I was little my mother’s friend told me what she called a funny story about her son trying to get out of trouble. She asked him who did whatever it was and he said, “Faith did it.” She replied, “Faith wasn’t even here.” They thought it was funny. I thought it was typical and telling.

  2. OKIE MIKE Says:

    I was raped around Labor day of 1977 . This happened shortly after I was sent to Fort Hood Texas . I Know the SOB’s name rank and the unit that he was assigned to .
    I was a scared 18 year old pvt . And he was the persomell NCO (E7) that was in charge of the 553rd S&S Batalion records .
    At first I was to embaeised to talk to any one about what Had happened to me . But after a while I tried to talk to my Squad leader . He was sory mut did not have the aunsers. So I tried to talk to my platoon leader . He did not want to believe me or just dod not care ,
    The more I tried to get him to listen the more shit details that I was assigned to do ,

    Eventualy I gave up haveing any trust in the system to do its job .
    I took a i do not care any more attatude . . I was given 4 article 15 in the next year and Given General under Homerable CH5 Discharge for my problems . I had to fight for several years to get the VA to admit that I was reped my another male soldger , It has ben 32 years . this still effects me on a dayley basis

    OKIE MIKE

  3. douglas winters Says:

    Okie Mike-Hey brother, good to see a survivor here-The VA did me way wrong-so did the Marines by not warning the troops of the MSP-military sexual predators that live in and near the military bases – here and abroad men are preyed upon-check out Randy S Kraft people. I survived this evil man in Oct 1977 and have three Marines from Recon who recall the evidence and changes-I met back up with them-still never wanted $$ or compensation-just mental health professional with experience not some pills and a unconcerned VA incompassionate…

  4. douglas winters Says:

    Thanks Jay for all you do hope to meet some day and shake hands
    Sincerely;
    Dougals B Winters/men_of_hrts.dbw

  5. CARL S Says:

    I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL I SET AND THINK ABOUT ALL OF THE BAD THING THAT HAPPEN TO ME WHEN I WAS IN THE NAVY. IN 1985 I HAD 3 MEN TO RAPE ME IN PORTUGAL AND I’VE BEEN DEALING WITH THIS FOR 27 YEARS AND I FINELY TOLD SOMEONE ABOUT IT. IT MAKES ME FEEL A LITTLE BETTER BUT I HAVN”T TOLD MY MOTHER NOR MY FATHER SO I”M AT A CROSSROADS. I”m IN COUNSELING NOW SO SOON I WILL DO SOME INTENCE THRERPY AND HOPEFULLY BY GODS HANDS I”LL BE OK.

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