just thinking


zoom meter-distance

Originally uploaded by jayfherron

When King Soloman was given the opportunity to pray for anything his heart desired and it would be granted-he asked for wisdom. I feel that is the perfect request-to traverse through all of this worlds mucky muck it takes wisdom.

Now I am not saying I am the brightest bulb on the lamp-by far,I am not that smart,but I’m not sure that wisdom has as much to do with being smart than it does having something to do with the vision in your mind and heart. Being able to commune with a higher Spirit for example.

I know my own past I have at times caught the glimpse of heaven and and holiness intervening in my life. Visions!

Earlier this year I traveled to Pearl Harbor to visit my oldest son and his family. The flights were going to be long and thinking about it raised my anxiety levels-so I asked a shrink at the VA for something to keep me calm.

The Alprazolam did work. I found myself in la-la land and that place improved if I had a beer or more. I was able to slice the tablets in two-the double prescription stretched out for a few weeks,and then it was gone. I got really sick after I returned from Hawaii but did not know it was from the Alprazolam or the fact I ran out.

I wrote about it weeks ago. I asked for more and I got it-a larger prescription especially since I could stretch it out. Drinking made them better-the pills. Then I started to realize thinks were’nt going well,and I dumped them-I did not know it was going to be ‘cold turkey’. But it was!

I’ve been sitting in this Natal ICU (some jumbo for a place in the hospital) with my newest grandson everyday now-today makes 34 days. He and about 50 others in this unit are fighting for life in their already short lives.

Don’t let me persuede you to think I am plexi-glass box side every day and every moment. Usually I am albe to drive his mother in-and I leave her with her son. I roam around the hospital-and you begin to become familier with the faces of others.

I have mentioned how huge this hospital is-somewhere I read there are over 12,000 employees,I have no idea about the numbers of  ill. There are places of escape there-one spot is called Sun Plaza,where coffee can be had and a place to sit outdoors.

I think about things so much-meditation of how powerful the Spirit of God is. How easy it is for me to allow addiction to overcome-like with the Alprazolam and how the wisdom God gives you to stop. I am glad to have gone through the sickness of quitting,the withdrawls of the chemical agrivating my body as my body cleansed itself from it. I am thankful because of the way it worked-the timing. Otherwise I would have had no business sitting and watching and praying for this little fighter we have.

I have been poor much of my adult life. I’ve gotten used to living that way-not saying that I liked it,I just learned to live it.

Earlier this year I was to receive some benefit payments-and did,which gave me the ability to fly to Hawaii and visit-and be a tourist. Those payments got stopped by some computer glitch…being used to poor it was easy,but knowing it was supposed to be different-it was not as easy to accept. I went through some periods of immature behavior-like a fool.

The wisdom the Spirit of God has. The glitch came to understand it was screwing things up and things came to order. The timing? The timing is so incredible! The cost of going back and forth to the city is covered-so is trying to live everyday in a hospital on cafeteria meals-or the sandwiches out at the Sun Plaza. And the other parts…the learning.

 I looked down at my grandson the other day as I cuddled him in my arms-and I saw my father as an infant, knowing this vision from an old old photograph. It was peaceful as much as it was strange. I loved my father but was never able to share that well with him.

Just thinking.

2 Responses to “just thinking”

  1. Leah Says:

    Sorry to hear about your grandson. I hope that he is doing better each day.

    There is something so powerful about pictures of people with infants. I have a picture of my paternal grandfather holding me as a baby. I was his 5th granddaughter, so the joy of seeing the next generation wasn’t new. I wonder as I look at the picture and think about the little I know of his life (he died when I was a baby) and the challenges of raising his son (my father) without his wife (she died as my father was born). What was going through his mind as he held me (his son’s eldest)?

    Good for you for having the strength to stop taking the alprazolam.

  2. jayherron Says:

    Thank you for sharing that Leah,and…despite the future this little guy of ours is doing pretty good! They are trying to get him to hold a certain weight and will likely send him home this week,so it is being considered.
    He will require several surgeries after he gains sime weight-heart surgery.
    It goes through my mind much-I know I remember the instant I was given to my own mother as a babe,or even as just a beginning seed-not sure of that part,but remember it as if it was a Maxfield Parrish painting-it was that beautiful.
    So I know this little babe knows about us and that we are there…recognizes our smell and sound. It is a very awesome experience.

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