No, I am not okay.

I have been classified as 100% and permanantly disabled from post traumatic stress disorder and the other day just proved it. I wanted to think and believe that everything and all was going right smoothly, quiet and this sense of ease almost. A false sense of hope. And then-a letter arrives in the mail.

The letter was of a matter not involving VA stuff-which goes to say that it is not only the VA who can rattle your cage. We who suffer know that anyway…anything can set it off-the PTSD!

It has been a long time since something has triggered a black-out! I had appearantly thought those days had gone and left me-free-but I am now humbled by the recent occasion. I am also afraid! Not knowing what you did or where you went or if you went or what did happen is a scary thing-period!

I remember bits and pieces…I remember opening the letter and the contents made me weep to dehydration,but then what? My vehicle was moved so I think I drove somewhere-that scares me too! I was not drunk-nor was I drinking, this part is amazing! In my fridge is 12 full bottles and my body yesterday felt defeat but not a hangover…this scares me too! It would make better sense to black out drunk-but this was just me doing one thing and then the letter arrives and then…pop!

This is the second morning. I am still feeling shakey and that numb sick feeling you get inside your soul and your gut. The empty feeling which feels like it is about to erupt and everything is just going to be a mess-the feeling where you want to find that hole and be in it! With me it is wishing that I was dead.

This is something no one can understand excepting those like me that the despair of PTSD clings to who know how even the slightest of adversity can set off an emotional battle. Mine this time blacked it out and yet-this morning I still feel sick from it.

I suppose the sights have been set and I had not realized that the accumulation of the past weeks were taking a toll and the letter just boiled it over the edge! I lost my oldest companion of 15 years-my Chihuahua. That for one would do any person hard.

I have also been feeling restless the past weeks. I feel a lack of accomplisment. I had thought once that I had ‘run out’ on this blog-and maybe instead I ran out. Well…truthfully-I did not. I had thought there was no more that I could say. I have – and it is true – no more connection with the VA system. I had thought that I had nothing to say anymore; but as the months have been going by I realize that I do have something that is not going to change…that is PTSD!

3 Responses to “okay…”

  1. Di Says:

    I think….a part of your mind is protecting you from further trauma. Or re-trauma. Like disassociation does. Yes it’s scary that you obviously drove somewhere, maybe did something. But you’re back home and safe for the moment and for that I am grateful 🙂

  2. enemyinthewire Says:


    I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your dear friend. I truly feel your pain and I am keeping you in my prayers.

    Two years ago I lost my dear Abbie, she was my therapy cat. She was very young – but she always knew what I was thinking, how I was feeling and how to make me feel better. The cancer was quick and it tore my heart out as surely as it took her little life.

    I couldn’t sleep – I couldn’t eat. Out of desperation I called the VA Suicide Hotline. I just needed someone to talk to – someone who understood that I wanted to die with her. The woman on the other end of the phone was so unsympathetic – you could hear the disgust in her voice when she said, “You are calling because your CAT died?” I hung up – ashamed – and cried for hours. I felt beaten.

    I miss her, everyday. I have several other cats, but none that are Abbie – but Abbie isn’t them. I take comfort in a few things – and I hope you can find comfort in them as well. First – your dear friend is happy on the other side – waiting for you in Heaven. I believe that! I know that some people say that animals don’t have a soul – but I say that they were created by God and they are special. Second – your dear friend had a wonderful life with you. There are so many animals that are abused, beaten, hated and mistreated – but not your friend. Your friend was loved, respected, needed and treated with a deep and abiding love in all things. How happy and lucky your friend was. Third – your dear friend is still watching over you. When the time is right – your friend is going to send someone else into your life. Not to take their place – but to bring you laughter and to bring you joy. You must never see it as a “replacement” but as a “gift” from your friend to you.

    I am keeping you in my prayers!


  3. jayherron Says:

    Well Joan…the very next day after loosing Sweetie-I went to pay the vet bill. I also have a Chihuahua named Max-he grew up under Sweeties wing, and I could tell he was missing her.
    The vet’s tech had Chihuahua pups for sale…so-Mini is the miracle! Mini has both of us sapped! Max and Me-both!

    Yup…I got a little graveyard out yonder! I had an old Dachsund named Joe-he loved trucking! The smartest dog I ever had-he was 17 when he passed!
    With Sweetie-the vet kindly understood that I was bringing her home-she had been all weekend at the vets-and she was going to hear her sounds and smell her smells-and then that afternoon the vet came!
    Still hurts!
    Still crying!
    Thanks for prayers!

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