broken record

002 by jayfherron
002, a photo by jayfherron on Flickr.

I am sounding like a broken record!

It has been two years since the VA determined my case for MST as indeed-yes-this veteran has been sexually traumatized, and is haunted by PTSD.
To share the outcome, I am 100% permanantly disabled.

With my disability settlement-agreement I had my attorney be absolute certain that I be totally free from the VA. I have written in previous posts that I have forever never felt safe (and never felt welcome, after all-I only spent 7 months in military possesion)
It just never seemed right-it never was right.

Nothing has changed. I do get a check every month and it does not matter-I still have the same nightmareish dreams (mostly of prisons) and wake stressed every morning with the chatter of non-existant people blasting away with advices that will never work, nor are real, but are there never the less. These in my head-but they use my vocal cords to dig at me about everything and anything. These begin immediatly after the inventory! I wake taking in where I am and directly know it is because of where I was and what happened while I was there!
I’ve said myriad times of how the first rape was early in the wee hours of new years eve-somewhere near 22 hours before the reveling of aud land sign…what ever that song is.
And now it is here again! The same exact ringing in my head of the coming month-the crixmix biz (which began earlier this year-it seems before holloween) and like the monster in the movie “IT” the horror is in every crixmix tree and scene of any of that which was so teaseing when I was a boy who believed in all of that gentle ho ho easter egg hunt of a childs life!
Destroyed! And it still destroys-because of the mere hint of the crixmix date arrival is along with visual alerts and audible sounds…they all sound and smell of barracks D. Barracks D…this is where it happened to me.

Yesterday I was in the Driftwood having breakfast. It is a very small restaruant in a small enough town.
There was a couple there-man and his wife-I am sure.
He had on a cap similar to the cap in the photo-except his was a true military assigned base cap-the kind you wear on ship with the name of your duty station embroidered into the face. I thought they were only worn by Navy…feeling in an okay mood I asked the man…what duty station is that? He responded blandly and uninterested “US Marines”….and stupid as can be I attempt to make conversation…”US Navy here…and my son just retired from 20 in submarines”….he replied-as shitty as he could (BTW-this fellow was my age easy) that “the Marines were the men on the ships”….it was a frieght train was going through my ears! A rumble inside my head as I looked across at him seeing his mouth move but only hearing the sound of the train. I put pieces of omelet in my mouth but was having to push them down with gulps. I really felt like puking instead as his voice came through reservedly to say “thank you for your service anyway” as if it meant something more like “blow my flat tire up with your mouth because you are useless otherwise”!

I’m telling you this because that was yesterday-it scared me-I hated him, and inside of me rage was burning to where I wanted to go outside and get into my car and slam right through the walls of the restaruant and take a more violent stand by removing my DV tags off my car and shove them into his face.
That shit-those moments of my thought process interfered with rage SCARE me!

I am telling you this because the VA claim has not healed me! I get a check-they say for the rest of my life…and yet my mind, soul and spirit are still damaged by the events of almost 43 years ago!

I am not better. I am more hardened. I am lucky for one thing, the monthlly check does permit my reclusive pattern to expand! I can remain safe on my property.

I have written as much as I can-here. The total of this blog, I can only repeat myself over and over-because the way the life is the facts are still here with me-the same-and eventually what is going to happen is that I am getting so far away from my memory of the VA that I cannot speak with an authority of fact…yes,some…but-you know what I mean?

Yes.yes-yes-yes….it will never change the pain inside of me!
But-I am becoming weary of explaining it all the time. Recently I tried a new therapist-private-expensive, and had to quit because the sessions were making the monster of DAMAGE CONTROL to return…immediatly after each session….I sought that f**king monster, or it sought me-either way…it returns (to quote the new age) and went viral.
I can’t do it.

I am really hopeful there is a solution so this blog-these writings-and the battle for justice for MILITARY SEXUAL TRAUMA ‘survivors’ will continue…..remember “no soldier left behind?”
Even more so with the recent news events…the great General having his affair….the recent elections with the stupids who try to speak with great intelect before realizing the had poop in thier mouth.
You know…the comments regarding ‘legitimate rape’ and relating how fancy these blokes (jokes) are with thier friendships with God.
These comments and events are lights that are lit…and now attention can be more focused on hearing other truths!

Men and woman are being victimized while in the ranks. Maybe not everyone of them…but enough that America should really care!

Along with the myriad other crimes that take place…sexual trauma should be addressed!

In this mornings Washington Post November 25,2012 is an article about sexual activity at West Point. An article more so saying “it happens more than you know”…this regarding sneaking about to mate up.
So it speaks volumes!
Volumes when the ‘scandel’ of affairs comes out among the highest ranking soldier we have tells us that even he can’t keep his pants zipped….in normal circumstances of lust from a willing partner….so-how can the Department of Defense turn thier heads in disbelief that a really sick individual (multiplied many times) can enlist in the ranks and fullfil thier sick form of abuse on another?

Listen to me…we have many others out there that have something to say…MST veterans-you have a voice-and you are free to use it…
it is here!
Write your words and put them in the comment section saying IT IS OKAY TO POST THIS!
The extension of truth writte through this blog can go a longer way than just my story!

Please add your words!
PEACE

3 Responses to “broken record”

  1. jackloch Says:

    Hello. I read the depth and extend of your sharing and am moved by your willingness to speak out publically about your trauma. I am not military, but have met men who have been raped, trying to understand the pain and suffering caused. The simple fact that you get it out and speak, the courage and power is awesome and I honor you. Keep going, you are welcome to visit my site. it is new and justin recent development. I hope that our mutual sharing will create an atmosphere of mutural healing. thanks for your service and thank you for being who you are. Jack.

    • jayherron Says:

      Thanks Jack-I took a look at your blog…very deep interesting way of thinking and expressing your thoughts! It is soon 2013-it is time America catches on and sheds this ‘gender’ way of thinking about the trauma of (I hate the wording) sexual trauma…the sexual bit just acts like white washing the TRUTH of the harm! Sexual-blinds reality! Fast reply…but please stay in touch! peace

  2. Myst Says:

    This is a long, hard road we walk, or sometimes crawl along. This is so very hard to do. Please keep speaking out, please keep writing even when it rips your heart out for all to see. That those coming up.. just starting to open up their own Pandora’s boxes will need our help and support. That is what we can do for them. Just as you do for me. You validate the horror of it all.

    I do have a question..have you ever tried going to a Vet Center for help. The therapist’s there I have had are amazing. And its NOT at the VA… cuz I hate that place too. I hope you can connect with others so that you can feel the linking of arms.. we are not alone
    We are not Invisible!

    Hugs,
    Myst

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